Aunty Jack Introduces Colour
Excerpt from the first ABC television program broadcast in colour
|Title:||Aunty Jack Introduces Colour|
|Subtitle:||Excerpt from the first ABC television program broadcast in colour|
|Date:||1 March 1975|
|Content creator:||Australian Broadcasting Commission and Grahame Bond|
|Keywords:||comedy, television programs, broadcasting, satire, special effects, music, 1970s|
|Record creator:||National Archives of Australia, Sydney Office|
|Copyright notice:||Reproduced with the kind permission of Ms A Jack OBE (Old Bull Elephant) and the Australian Broadcasting Commission.|
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Aunty Jack and Thin Arthur (sing): Wollongong the brave!
Aunty Jack: Hello me little lovelies, this is your Queen speaking from my secret headquarters in Wollongong. My Arthur and I would like to warn you that the whole world is being gobbled up by the terrible colour television monster.
[THIN ARTHUR SCREAMS]
Aunty Jack: Don’t panic! Just always remember, the proud colours of Wollongong, black and grey, will fly at full mast and there will still be hope because if Wollongong breaks out in colour it could mean the end of the world. Arthur, how goes it on the Illawarra front?
Thin Arthur: Oh, I’m looking at the Port Kembla steelworks, Aunty Jack, and nothing but pitch black.
Aunty Jack: Oh good.
Thin Arthur: Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute! The grass – under the foundry – it’s turning green!
Aunty Jack: Erky, perky, it’s here already!
Thin Arthur: Aunty Jack, I’m scared!
Aunty Jack: Yeah, so are you. Arthur, I can feel it in me bones.
Arthur: Oh look, Aunty Jack, we’ve picked up the colour monster on the radar.
Aunty Jack: Strewth, it’s at Corrimal South, postcode 2518, already!
Thin Arthur: Oh look! It’s coming up the garden path. It’ll be here in ten seconds.
Aunty Jack: Nine, eight, seven, six.
Aunty Jack: You’re early!
Kid Eager: I’m terribly sorry.
Aunty Jack: Five, four, three, two, one.
Kid Eager: Arr, arr, avast there, landlubbers. Where be the poop deck?
Aunty Jack: Over the crow’s nest!
Kid Eager: Oh! Oh, step aside, fatso, and let the new colourful personality of captain Kid Eager say, ‘Ahoy there, shipmates’.
Aunty Jack: Oh you poor thing, look what the colour monster’s done, it’s turned you in to a lady.
Kid Eager: Arr, oh!
Thin Arthur: Aunty Jack, that’s a pirate dressed as Flange Desire [female character].
Aunty Jack: See what I mean, Arthur, colour has an unnatural effect on pirates, turns them into ladies.
Kid Eager: Oh, listen, puddin’, to join this colour world you’ve got to give ’em eyes, tits and teeth.
Thin Arthur: Well, where are your tits?
Aunty Jack: [HISSES] Arthur!
Kid Eager: Well they must have dropped.
Parrot: Pieces of eight, pieces of eight.
Kid Eager: Arr, there they be!
Aunty Jack: Arr, they be a fine pair of tits.
[SIREN NOISE, SOUNDS OF WATER GURGLING]
Thin Arthur: Look! Aunty Jack! The colour! It’s leaking through the window.
Aunty Jack: Pooh, the filthy thing – all over my new carpet.
Thin Arthur: Look, it’s filling the room. How are we going to breathe?
Aunty Jack: Quick, Arthur, the Wollongong air, I’ll try and hold it down.
Kid Eager: Hey, look at me, look at me, I’m in colour. Come on in, it’s lovely.
Aunty Jack: I can’t hold it off very long. Here it goes, Arthur! [PAUSE] Oh, what a beautiful room. It’s really quite nice being in colour, isn’t it? I don’t feel any different.
Kid Eager: Oh yeah, that’s because you aren’t any different, tubby. You’re still in black and white.
Aunty Jack: I am not.
Thin Arthur: Yes you are, Aunty Jack
Aunty Jack: I am. Well I’m glad I didn’t catch it.
Kid Eager: Catch what?
Aunty Jack: That horrible disease that comes with colour. Ah, green slime polkaditis!
Thin Arthur and Kid Eager: Green slime polkaditis!
Thin Arthur: See I’m all right, Kid. I’m still in black and white. Oh, look, Aunty Jack, I’ve gone pink.
Aunty Jack: Pink flesh, pooh Arthur, you’ve caught it!
Thin Arthur: What’ll I do? What’ll I do?
Kid Eager: What’ll I do?
Aunty Jack: I can save you, Arthur. Colour remover. Right, shut your eyes.
Thin Arthur: Ooh, ooh!
Aunty Jack: Turn round. Right – saved.
Thin Arthur: Good!
Kid Eager: Yeah well what about me then, eh?
Aunty Jack: All right, shut your eyes. Right say ‘Ah’. Nuh, doesn’t work on pirates.
Kid Eager: Aargh! Oh! Ay, listen, I’m not a pirate, I’m Kid Eager.
Aunty Jack: Ooh, a Martian!
Kid Eager: A Martian?
Arthur: How do you know he’s a Martian?
Kid Eager: Yeah!
Aunty Jack: Look; big red feet, baggy pants and a propeller.
Kid Eager: Oh that’s me. Hey, I’ve always had those.
Thin Arthur: Yeah? Well how about a spotted face?
Kid Eager: Oh, a Martian! Aunty Jack, I’m changing colour!
Aunty Jack: Naturally, symptom one.
Thin Arthur: Yuk! A green Martian!
Kid Eager: Oh, Aunty Jack, I’ve got gangrene. Does that mean they’re gonna cut me off?
Aunty Jack: I hope so. You know the last person who got Martian green slime polkaditis turned in to a green jelly.
Kid Eager: A green jelly? Oh bull! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Aunty Jack: What flavour is he, Arthur?
Arthur: Tastes like lime, Aunty Jack.
Aunty Jack: Yum, yum, a lime Martian.
Kid Eager: Hey! Hey, get your finger out of my ear, Aunty Jack.
Arthur: Aunty Jack! You’ve gone coloured.
[BACKGROUND SINGING: Hallelujah!]
Aunty Jack: Oh I know, Arthur. It was only a big joke. Heh, heh, heh.
Thin Arthur: A big joke!
Kid Eager: It’s no joke being a lime-flavoured jelly.
Aunty Jack: Oh, it’s all right, kiddy pooh, you just wobble along with us. All right hit it, Arthur.
[ARTHUR HITS KID EAGER]
Aunty Jack: Not the Kid!
Kid Eager: Pick on someone your own colour!
Thin Arthur (sings): Farewell, black and white. We saw you leave tonight. No more…na na na …
Aunty Jack: And remember, all you kiddies. Don’t you watch colour jokes on black-and-white television ’cause if you do I’m gonna jump through your sets and rip your bloody pink arms off. And I will too.
Thin Arthur: Oh pooh, Aunty Jack, what’s that horrible smell?
Aunty Jack: What horrible smell? Oh – I think I stepped in some Kid Eager.
Kid Eager: Ooooh!